Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This day has changed

Today is a beautiful sunny day with mild temperatures. I wanted to try and get many things done. It took me 45 minutes to encounter a open store to buy some food because today is Día del Trabajador aka Labor Day here in Spain and the rest of Europe. I slept a ton last night to help catch up from my lack of sleep during our trip in Lisbon.

Then I went to open my window and looked down at the street and saw a large crowd. There was an ambulance and some police cars. At first I thought there was some kind of protest but then through the branches of the tree outside my window I saw the feet of cyclist laying on the ground with a group of paramedics and police officers surrounding him. His body jolted right at that moment as they defibrillated him. I watched them alternate CPR and defibrillation three times. After they defibrillated him the second time I knew it was over. He was an older guy, my dad's age or older. His cycling buddy seemed to be holding it together pretty well until they finally pronounced him dead and put a sheet over his body. His friend was still wearing his helmut and Túnel cycling jersey. I assume he was hit by a car because his bike was bent and there was a group of three women close by who were in tears and looking very shaken. I went and sat out on the balcony to watch. I felt terrible about myself just watching like it was a soap opera or something but I just couldn't leave until there was some kind of outcome. And of course I was thinking about my dad who goes cycling all the time and is around that age. My mind goes back to the day I found out that Jim Kennedey died. And Luke Jensen. Death happens constantly and you read about it all the time in the news and hear about it from friends and you experience it yourself. And right now Evan is all the way in China and the only way I can contact him is by email. I feel so alone at times like these. This is the first person I have ever seen die. I don't know what this says about me but the first thing I think about is in Harry Potter how people that have seen death can see the weird flying horse-dragon things. I feel much better now that I ate a box of stale campurrianas (cookies) and some milk. Sad how much food can affect my mood.

I get to see my family in 28 days and I am getting so excited. I have not felt homesick once this entire time and I rarely do when I am away. Times like these though, make me want some sort of contact with my family. 10 days until Evan is home. I feel like I am such a weird place right now.

I got a reality check last night. I had been talking with some people on my trip in Lisbon about trying to get dual citizenship in Italy. One girl that I talked to mentioned how the States can take away your citizenship if you apply for citizenship in another country. Well, I learned that is true. I should have known it was too good to be true. I think that Evan and I could get Italian citizenship but then we would lose our US citizenship and that is definitely something I don't want to lose. I had really high hopes of getting Italian citizenship and then going to get my masters at the University of Edinburgh. And then Evan could just get a job because he would be a citizen of the EU and wouldn't have to worry about a work visa. I would really love an opportunity to live there and get to know my family there a little better and Evan's uncle Gabe too. It is so expensive, we would have to save for years for just one of us to go. It is hard feeling such strong connections to places when you travel there. I absolutely loved Lisbon and was amazed at how much Portugese I could read and understand because it is so similar to Spanish. I feel like I would be missing an opportunity if I didn't try to learn that language, the same way I feel about Italian.

I wish I had more of a calling to be an English teacher because that really is the ticket to travel and live in different countries. Botany is my true calling and dual citizenship would have opened up the doors for me to live in different countries (in the EU at least) and do what I love. Maybe this will make my decisions easier. I am worried about going back to the States. I know I am going to experience some pretty bad reverse culture shock. Things are going to be too easy there and I feel like I'm going to rot. I feel like I am going to be so bored. I am so damn spoiled. My life has been so good. It is true that the more you have the more you want. I want too many things and I have too many interests. As everyone always says, if I just had enough money than I could do everything. But then that would just raise the bar and then there would be many more unattainable things. The future is unclear and I love and hate that because I know I will have many opportunities ahead of me if I work hard.

I think this is how Evan must feel a lot of the time because he doesn't really have a true calling yet. He is so smart and has many interests and things he is good at but he doesn't know what he wants to do. I really want him to get home and be able to finish working on his car because I think that will help him to organize himself and his priorities.

No comments:

Post a Comment